It takes two to wed

Weddings are women's work.

Bullshit.

I'm not going to delve too deeply into all the implications behind society's assumption that the woman takes charge of planning all the details of "the most important day of her life" while the groom sits back, scratching himself, drinking beer, and showing up when he needs to, feigning interest when his bride shows him samples of stationery or centerpiece ideas. There is so much wrong with the assumption that this is the most important day of a woman's life--shouldn't it be the most important day of the COUPLE'S LIFE? Since they're in it together? There is also the implication that men are clueless and only women are intelligent enough to piece together the hundreds of insane details a wedding entails. There is also the implication that all these hundreds of insane details are important, nay essential, to a wedding. There is also the implication that every woman has a natural predilection to be OMG AMAZING at planning a wedding.

There is also a huge emphasis placed on the wedding, with scant attention paid to the fact that the wedding is only the first day of something more important: a MARRIAGE.

I am not one of those girls who grew up dreaming of her wedding. I always thought vaguely about it, like, Oh, I would like it to be a fun party, or Oh, I would like a dress I can walk in that doesn't have its own gravitational pull, or Oh, having different kinds of cake would be nice (in fact, in recent years, the only thing I've thought extensively about is the baked goods and other foods to feature at the wedding). But when it came time to start planning and people started asking me what I wanted to do (What's your color scheme? How many bridesmaids will you have? What kind of centerpieces? How will you wear your hair?), I answered with a resounding WTF. You mean people actually THINK about this stuff when they're not enmeshed in the actual process of planning a wedding? WTF indeed.

So I commenced planning with a slightly panicked, slightly worried, slightly fuck-you-wedding-industry-complex mentality: unsure of what I was getting myself into but hopeful that I'd come out on the other end still breathing, with my sanity mostly intact, and with a day that reflected who we are that people enjoyed. What came as a hugely pleasant surprise (and relief, and delight) is just how lucky I am to have a groom who actually gives a shit about his wedding.

Yes... my fiance not only gives a shit about his wedding, he's actually enthusiastic about it. He actually wants to help. He has actually taken ownership of the fact that this is a day about BOTH of us. He is excited to help put together a fun and special day that will signal the beginning of our marriage. I think part of the reason this feels like a fun thing and not a dreadful thing is that we're somewhat offbeat. We are planning to do things that feel right to us and are scrapping those that don't make sense to us as individuals and as a couple. Jeremy looks forward to writing a ceremony and vows together, assembling the AV equipment we'll need for our sound system, creating a music play list, shopping around for his threads, designing the invitation, adding things to our registries, helping with some of the DIY crafty stuff. I recently bought some clay so I can try making our cake toppers, and he wants to help. Re-read that: HE WANTS TO HELP ME MAKE CLAY PENGUINS, because he thinks it will be fun. OMFG! I even said that I was unsure if I wanted to go to the Running of the Brides event (later in the day, after the running), because I didn't know if there would be anyone to go with me and I couldn't stomach the thought of going alone, and he said that he would go with me. OMG! What groom WANTS to go clothes shopping for himself, let alone for his bride, given that he could be spending that afternoon having a beer and relaxing after work? And yet this wonderful, loving, patient man has offered to go to a giant room full of sample gowns in disarray and help me. I don't think that I'll take him up on that offer, simply because I think I might not go at all, but that right there to me is love, and just one of the many daily reminders I have of how fortunate I am to be in this kind of a partnership.

I suspect that there are actually more men out there who care about their own weddings that it appears, but because the wedding industry complex has shoved so much excess down our throats, and because it puts such pressure on us to have a perfect day, and because it has succeeded in targeting the bride, grooms have effectively been alienated to the point of being practically an afterthought. I suspect that most men out there don't give a rat's ass about a monogrammed napkin, and on further inspection, I'm sure most brides out there don't either. But they're pressured to think that they MUST have them by this giant, money-making beast that seems to justify exorbitant spending by offering the rather ridiculous "justification" that "This is YOUR special day, your most important day! Anything less than perfection is unacceptable!"

If couples sat down together at the beginning of the planning process and discussed what each person wants, and then brainstormed to find a creative, individualized way to bring that vision into reality, I have a feeling far more grooms would get really into planning the party. (Or at least some aspects of it.) If more couples focused on what THEY WANT, rather than what they are SUPPOSED to want, I think there would be a lot more unique, individualized, memorable weddings out there. And a lot more happy couples in the months leading up to the wedding.

During this whole process, I have never felt I was planning my wedding; we've been planning ours. I've gotten opinions on everything from Jeremy and we have come to decisions together. I've even scrapped some of the ideas I had because Jeremy didn't like them. I don't want to do anything on our day that will upset him, because why should I? It's not just my day, it's his day too. I have no right to turn into a raving bitch because I'm a bride. I am marrying one half of a whole, and I plan to keep it that way all during the planning process. And all the way through our marriage, every single day. In fact, even though I am looking forward to our wedding, I'm looking forward to the day after it even more, and each day after that even more, because I truly believe every day our marriage together will only get better and better.

"You are the butter to my bread. The breath of my life."

- Paul Child to Julia Child

Friday Finds: Bunny Butt Apothecary Whipped Cream

Okay, final new feature to throw at you all--Friday Finds. A feature where I share with you some little treasure I've found--a product or website or place--that has made my life profoundly better.

I don't know if I'll do this one every week or just every now and then when I find something awesome, we'll see.

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First Friday Find to showcase: the amazing whipped cream body lotion from Bunny Butt Apothecary! Yes, it's a funny name, but this product is no joke.

I first discovered this company in December of 2008, at my first Boston Bazaar Bizarre, a big traveling craft fair of sorts loaded with hip items. Bunny Butt had a booth there where you could sample their lotions. I smothered one all over my hands and was hooked. It smelled divine, made my hands super soft, and was natural. Plus, the jar had a disclaimer that the product therein was for moisturizing, not for eating. Plus, the company is called Bunny Butt. How can you not love that?

I don't know how many jars of their Whipped Cream I've gotten since then, but I think I've gone through at least half a dozen. I use this as a body lotion after I shower and it's fantastic. A little goes a long way. Super moisturizing without being heavy or greasy, absorbs quickly, and smells so good I want to nibble my arm. Plus it's not loaded with scary chemicals and preservatives. One of the ingredients is rice bran oil, which has been popular in other parts of the world for a while (hello, Asia!) but which is only just catching on here now, which is a shame because not only is it a great moisturizer, it's also a gentle, non-irritating exfoliator. Those weird little bumps so many of us get on our arms (otherwise known as keratosis pilaris)? Yeah, this smooths those away. That irritated feeling your legs have right after you shave them? This moisturizes without any stinging. This stuff is so good that even Jeremy, who uses probably a grand total of 5 body care products, has his own jar sitting on his nightstand. I'm currently using the Chai Town scent, which smells like a piece of spice cake. I really, really want to take a gnaw at my arm after I put it on.

The best part about this moisturizer is that it is really hydrating without feeling heavy, so you can use it even in the dog days of summer without getting that nasty, tacky, ugh feeling. In fact, the texture is so light--just like whipped cream, hence the name--that it's quite refreshing to apply. I like getting a citrusy scent for the summer, like A-peeled. The Pirate's Booty one is also awesome, as it smells spicy and awesome. And the Let Them Eat Birthday Cake? Forget it. You won't try to eat yourself, you will.

I use and love some of their other products, like their Honey Bare bar soap, Complexion Zen face cream, and Perfume Oil, but hands down my favorite is the Whipped Cream. I know it can sometimes be a challenge to find an effective natural moisturizer that isn't tacky, gummy, smelly (unpleasantly so), or ineffective, so if you're seeking some natural everyday indulgence in your skincare routine, you may want to give Bunny Butt a whirl.

The freelancer's new clothes, or, how I've unexpectedly started saving money

One of the unexpected benefits of working from home, especially for a gal on a budget, is that I haven't bought new clothes in months. I think the last time I got something was in December, when I was at my parents' house and got 3 sweaters to keep at their house for when I travel there, to avoid suitcase bulk, and a cardigan for when (if!) the weather ever gets balmy enough that I can shed my puffy coat. And in January I bought one long-sleeved thermal shirt, accidentally a size too big, that I wear around the house (see next paragraph re: heating).

I don't tend to work in pajamas--in fact, I make myself get up and at 'em and wear real clothes even though I'm working at home--but since there's no one else to see me, my outfits tend to be older, dingier pants that would make me look like a schlump if I wore them out and would otherwise have long ago gone to Goodwill but which are fine for wearing in the house, and regular long-sleeved T-shirts, along with a hoodie or sweatshirt over it for warmth. (Because as a gal on a budget in a home where heat is gas-powered and not included in rent, alas, I keep the temperature at a steady 60 degrees in the house and just wear layers, slippers, and fingerless hand warmers. Occasionally I will plug in the space heater if it's really bad. Cheap? I prefer to think of it as frugal. We *are* saving for a wedding after all! And trying to save the earth.)

I'm no fashionista in regards to my personal style, preferring comfort to trends, and when I worked in an office that required leaving the house and being among people each day, I did at least wear somewhat cuter and classier outfits. But I was never super dressy, because it was a casual environment (think lots of jeans) and I'm not a morning person. Putting together an adorable outfit was just not in the cards for me--I tended to oversleep most every morning to the point where I flew out the door to the bus stop with my jewelry in my hand, putting it on while sitting on the bus that inevitably pulled up mere moments after I dashed across the street. But at least I did more or less put together outfits. And in order to keep my wardrobe fresh and updated, I did tend to get items of clothing more regularly when I was still working outside the house--not out of need, necessarily, mostly out of desire. Now I haven't really bought much since I started this job in July. I'm overdue for a new pair of jeans or two, but other than that, I can't really think of much I need. Want is a different story of course, but even that is sort of fading a bit the more I think about it. Wanting some new outfits pales when I think of other things I want, like a lovely wedding and savings for an eventual house.

Being on track to saving for a big event later this year has definitely made me reconsider certain things that I don't consider totally necessary. Do I really need to replenish my wardrobe with every new season? Certainly not. As I mentioned above, I don't usually go for trendy clothing so a lot of things I have are pretty basic: solid-colored shirts, blouses, and sweaters, boot-leg pants (which will never go out of style, and which I will never, ever trade in for skinny jeans, because a woman with a badonk should never wear skinny jeans), a few basic knee-length skirts that I can mix and match with the tops. And I'm set with shoes too. Another benefit of working from home: your shoes don't wear out as quickly. I might get a new pair of sneakers this year if my current ones wear out, but other than that, I'm good.

Knowing that we have a big, meaningful expense coming up later this year really makes me think more carefully about each "frivolous" purchase we make. Will we keep the extra cable channels or nix them? (Still up for debate.) Do we really need to order out tonight, or can we make do with what's in the fridge? (See Tuesday's entry on using up bits from the fridge.) Can I wait to see that movie 2 weeks after it comes out, so I can use some discount movie tickets I have, or even wait till it's on On Demand, so I can save some cash? Do I really need to buy that new book or album? (The Boston Public Library has been an absolute godsend in that regard; their collection is extensive and amazing and practically every single thing I've wanted has been there, down to the Arcade Fire album I really wanted but didn't want to pay for.) I know certain aspects of life would be a lot easier with a car, but can we really afford the cost of the car, cost of insurance, cost of gas, cost of maintenance, and cost of parking? (Not unless we move out of the city, which I am not willing to do.)

We're not broke or dirt-poor, but we are living in an expensive city and need to be aware of the choices we make. Not only does it save money, it's also less wasteful in the long run and keeps the sheer amount of stuff we have down to a more minimal amount. Do I really need to buy a novel I'll only read once, or buy a dozen more wedding idea books I won't need next year? Do I really need to get another fancy top for a nice evening out when we don't go on that many fancy evenings out and the tops I already have will do? Of course not. And in some ways, it's been sort of fun to get creative and find ways to do more with less.

Have you recently cut back on certain "unnecessary" expenses in your life? Are you trying to reduce how much stuff you have for other, nonbudgetary reasons? I want to know! Dish!

Wednesday Wisdom: The right effort

Another weekly feature? Perhaps! I'm going to give this one a trial run as well and see how it goes. I think most people are like me: we LOVE pithy bits of advice and wisdom and collect quotes that are meaningful to us and our experience. I found this to be a particularly meaningful quote to me right now. I'm trying to be more aware of the connection among my body, mind, and spirit. More and more I realize that these are not disjointed entities but that they are interconnected and that it's vital we nourish them all in order to be a more complete, content person. This, I am learning, is easier said than done, but I am enjoying the journey. Enjoy!

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"Right effort is effort with wisdom. Because where there is wisdom, there is interest. The desire to know something is wisdom at work. Being mindful is not difficult. But it’s difficult to be continuously aware. For that you need right effort. But it does not require a great deal of energy. It’s relaxed perseverance in reminding yourself to be aware. When you are aware, wisdom unfolds naturally, and there is still more interest."

- Sayadaw U Tejaniya, "The Wise Investigator"

Recipe sampler on 101 Cookbooks

Even though I'm not a vegetarian myself, and don't know if I ever could be (BACON), I do appreciate good vegetarian cooking and am not adverse to regularly skipping meat in meals. I try to subscribe to the idea of using meat more as a condiment rather than a main focus of the meal--so instead of making it all about the beef, using the beef to accent a larger dish, like a stir-fry, salad, stew, etc.

I do, however, have a real fondness for the blog 101 Cookbooks, by Heidi Swanson. It's a beautiful site with photos that make me want to lick my computer monitor, and despite my bacon-loving ways, I still want to eat most everything on her site. Everything looks hearty and fulfilling and delicious, despite the fact that most of it is pretty healthy too.

Heidi has a new book coming out this April called Super Natural Every Day. I may get the book myself (which is currently available on pre-order via Amazon). I'm trying hard to eat healthier and anything that might entice me into doing it would probably be a good thing. As a nice little gift, there is a mini sampler of six recipes available as a PDF on her site. Those photos are gorgeous. Again with the desires to lick the screen.

I'll be honest: that avocado and mustard seed salad makes me want to have a party in my mouth. And that tutti-frutti crumble? Forget it. Can you imagine how much your taste buds would want to hug you if you had a plate of that topped with a big dollop of creme fraiche?

What do you think of vegetarian cooking? What about all-natural cooking? Is it something you're into?

Trying something new: Tuesday Tricks and Treats

One of my favorite features on other blogs is when they regularly feature something--be it "Best of the Looks, Best of the Books" on my friend Jill's fashion and literature blog Looks and Books, or the amazingly cheery "Monday Montage" on my favorite wedding blog, Offbeat Bride. I thought to myself, hmm... perhaps I should start doing something similar on my blog? First off, it will add some consistency. Secondly, it builds in themes for me to regularly write about. Third, it's fun.

So today I think I'm going to start something called "Tuesday Tricks and Treats." Simple premise: I provide you with one trick--be it for cooking, domestic bliss, home ec mastery, etc.--and one treat--could be food or drink, could be a delightful book or website, could be something spa-tastic. We shall see how this goes--any comments on whether this idea flies or not would be much appreciated!

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TRICK: Save money, save your veggies. Don't let that bag of wilting spinach and container of quickly wrinkling grape tomatoes go to waste. Last night I found one of each of these in my fridge. Neither was bad--they were still safely eatable and not yet ventured into the land of being rotten and inedible--but neither looked crisp and fresh and appetizing as components of a salad. So I got out my wok and got creative, salvaging them into a delicious and uber-quick hearty pasta sauce dinner.

Boil a pot of salted water for your pasta--we used a package of Trader Joe's yummy gorgonzola ravioli--and prepare it as directed. While the water boils, heat up your wok or large saute pan over medium-high heat. Once it's hot (hover your hand a few inches over it to gauge the heat), add about a tablespoon of olive oil and allow that to heat for a minute or two (it will look shimmery when hot). Mince a clove or two of garlic, and if you want, chop up a bit of onion. Add the garlic and stir, allowing to heat for about 30 seconds. (Be careful so it doesn't burn!) Then add some spinach and give it a good toss-about. Spinach wilts very quickly into a very tiny amount of food, so don't worry about overcrowding your pan. Once it wilts down to some small green scraggly bits, add your grape tomatoes--I chopped mine in half--and stir again. You can add other elderly-looking veggies salvaged from the fridge: mushrooms, carrots, etc. After all the veggies have a few minutes to hang out together and get nice and flavorful, spoon in a bit of pasta sauce (you can use less than you normally would, since the veggies and oil will stretch it out) and season as desired--I added garlic salt and Italian seasoning. Heat the sauce for a couple of minutes then turn off the heat, and add the drained pasta to the pan. Gently toss and serve, garnishing with some grated Parm if desired. We had ours with some big foccacia rolls from Trader Joe's and dipped them in olive oil with Italian seasoning sprinkled in. It was hearty and filling and tasty, and as a bonus, my house smelled like an amazing little Italian trattoria.

Moral of the story: a little creativity can help you salvage a wrinkly, droopy, saggy, or otherwise not-so-pretty veggie into a tasty kitchen-sink sauce.


TREAT: Taking a break in the afternoon for tea isn't just a snobby British tradition--it's good for you. Your body naturally sags a bit in mid-afternoon, and taking a break from your work to have a little something soothing in your body is a great pick-me-up. I love a hot cup of tea in the chilly afternoons.

I love caffeine-free herbal teas, but sometimes you just want some regular old tea. I adore Earl Grey (that bergamot!), but I can't handle caffeine past midday. Twinings has thankfully solved my woes by creating a delicious decaffeinated Earl Grey. I sweeten it with just a tiny spoonful of sugar. It's lovely and indulgent without being heavy and laden with calories, and after I finish it, I feel spoiled and happy and ready to go back to work.

Moral of the story: Take time to rest and indulge in some time for yourself. You deserve it, and quite frankly, you probably really need it.

Back to the blog again

It's been two months since I last updated this, and I haven't written since then for a number of reasons. I was pretty busy over the holidays, we had some things to deal with at work and we're only getting busier, I've been doing some volunteer and freelance work on top of it, and I've also been doing some wedding planning work. Not to mention doing a bit of experimenting in the kitchen. And dealing with a rather bad case of the doldrums, or winter blues. But these aren't the only things that have been keeping me from writing. For a while there, I just didn't really feel like indulging in the openness that blogging entails. I felt like insulating myself, like turning inward and just sort of staying put, physically and emotionally.

There's also been something else holding me back from blogging. Obviously one of the things that will increasingly take up more and more of my time is wedding planning, and at first I thought I wanted to share all the details--good, bad, and ugly--on this blog with anyone happening to read it. But then I realized just how personal and emotionally charged a lot of wedding planning really is, especially since Jeremy and I are going about it in a somewhat unconventional way. And I realized that I don't necessarily want to put all of that out there, for everyone to read.

Not to mention that probably not that many people would be interested in reading it, since it's not like everyone is constantly thinking about weddings.

And not to mention that there are countless other wedding blogs out there. 

And not to mention there is a lot more to life than just weddings.

I've been writing about my planning experience on the site Offbeat Bride, which has a private online community section for other people also actively planning their weddings. It's been great to connect and vent and brainstorm and get suggestions with thousands of other women who are going through just the same thing.

For a while I was considering just quietly letting this blog disappear, figuring that maybe sometime in the future I'd come back to it, or just start over again with a new blog entirely. But I was recently talking to a friend who also writes a blog and who updates it quite frequently and she gently recommended that I should consider picking up the blogging again. And I do like having an outlet where I can write regularly. So I think I'll give it another shot and see where it takes me. I'm not exactly sure what sorts of things I'll write about in here. I guess we'll all have to stay tuned and find out!