May threads not kill me dead

Oh my word, I'm back. I survived the deadline, emerged somewhat shell shocked and battle weary, spent some time with family for Easter, then had another (much smaller) deadline, and now I'm back.

Halleluiah!

I've got much on my mind to share, but one of the things that seems foremost right now, due to the positively fantastic lovely weather that gets everyone's sap flowing and everyone's best duds out on display, is fashion.

Specifically my fashion. Or rather, complete lack thereof.

Having worked at home now for nearly two years (another halleluiah!), and before that having worked in publishing and/or academia and/or nonprofits, I can say that the following drawing accurately illustrates my life.

I'm usually somewhere between Worksuit and Hobo-chic. I wear fleece-lined slippers and fingerless gloves in the house when it's cold, like some kind of wan Dickensian orphan. True story.

As I have lived a life in pursuit of the cerebral, I have--either willingly or circumstantially (I think a little of both)--fallen into a non-fashion rut. My life is now spent living out the wisdom of Walden Pond resident Henry David Thoreau:

Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

Apparently, my caution has infected my closets so much so that I no longer remember how to dress myself when a situation requires more than jeans and a T-shirt/sweater (or, in more usual and sadly NOT dire circumstances, elastic-waistband yoga pants and a hoodie). I look at skirts in confusion, blouses in puzzlement, and anything with buttons perplexedly.

And dresses! Oh dresses. Don't get me started. I love dresses, but: SAD FACE. It took me SIX MONTHS to find a dress to wear to my wedding. It takes me about half as long to find a cute cocktail dress to wear to someone ELSE'S wedding. Which is sort of ridiculous. I'm sad that I can't just save myself the search for cocktail dresses and recycle my wedding dress at future weddings--not because of the color, because it's purple and doesn't look like a wedding dress, but because it's too damn FANCY to wear anywhere else. GAH. MORE BLACK TIE WEDDINGS, PLEASE. That or I have to teleport myself into Downton Abbey, where everyone dressed for dinner.

Add to that the fact that I can no longer wear shoes that don't provide firm orthopedic support AND the fact that I am an unapologetically plus-size lady (your state of readiness for my jelliness is a subject for another entry), and I am whole-heartedly flummoxed when it comes to effortlessly looking cute, put-together, or fashionable. How do people make it look so easy?

The other day at a department store, I tried on eight pairs of pants, six tops of assorted styles, and about twelve dresses. I bought one pair of jeans and one dress--the only items that didn't look ghastly on me (either because of size issues or because of OMG WHY DID I PICK UP A MULLET DRESS/STRAIGHT-LEG JEANS issues). I got home thoroughly exhausted and it took all my willpower not to use a layer cake for a pillow.

Who knew it was this effing taxing to get some new threads?

What's a gal to do when she's not given a shit about clothes for so long that she is now confused by them? What's a gal to do when she's got a fat ass and magnificent thighs in a world still firmly built for waifish nymphs, however much people are saying that there's more acceptance of all body shapes and sizes? (It's still decidedly NOT widespread, especially in clothing stores, where often anything larger than a size 12 somewhat resembles a sack, as if we fat chicks had no figure to speak of.)

When you've spent so much time in your head, how do you remember that you have a body?

Now, I don't really, REALLY think that clothes make the gal. I don't. Mostly I wear clothes because they are a practical necessity. If I sat naked at my desk each day, the chair cushion would stamp an unattractive waffle pattern on my ample buttocks, and the neighbors might faint when I went to get the mail. But I do also think that what we choose to wear can be an expression of ourselves, if we want it to be--and I think I am wanting it to be.

Mostly this change comes about because for a long while I was ashamed of my body. It didn't fit the societal mold of beauty, so I saw it as flawed. Bad. Other. Alien. Undesirable. I tried to call as little attention to myself as possible.

Now I'm slowly but surely, with love and support from hubs and friends and a group of supportive ladies going through the same thing, starting to realize that I really am okay, just as I am. Big bottom, ample thighs, round belly and all. And I shouldn't hide myself from the world, or from myself. I should treat myself as a person worthy and deserving of fanfare, decoration, fun, and sass. I am a person deserving of notice, deserving of presence, deserving of space.

But goddamn if I know how on earth to do that if it doesn't involve jeans and a T-shirt. Or fingerless gloves. Or pajama pants.

So bear with me here as I bare it all and try to figure out how on earth I, as a 31-year-old woman, am supposed to dress myself.

The freelancer's new clothes, or, how I've unexpectedly started saving money

One of the unexpected benefits of working from home, especially for a gal on a budget, is that I haven't bought new clothes in months. I think the last time I got something was in December, when I was at my parents' house and got 3 sweaters to keep at their house for when I travel there, to avoid suitcase bulk, and a cardigan for when (if!) the weather ever gets balmy enough that I can shed my puffy coat. And in January I bought one long-sleeved thermal shirt, accidentally a size too big, that I wear around the house (see next paragraph re: heating).

I don't tend to work in pajamas--in fact, I make myself get up and at 'em and wear real clothes even though I'm working at home--but since there's no one else to see me, my outfits tend to be older, dingier pants that would make me look like a schlump if I wore them out and would otherwise have long ago gone to Goodwill but which are fine for wearing in the house, and regular long-sleeved T-shirts, along with a hoodie or sweatshirt over it for warmth. (Because as a gal on a budget in a home where heat is gas-powered and not included in rent, alas, I keep the temperature at a steady 60 degrees in the house and just wear layers, slippers, and fingerless hand warmers. Occasionally I will plug in the space heater if it's really bad. Cheap? I prefer to think of it as frugal. We *are* saving for a wedding after all! And trying to save the earth.)

I'm no fashionista in regards to my personal style, preferring comfort to trends, and when I worked in an office that required leaving the house and being among people each day, I did at least wear somewhat cuter and classier outfits. But I was never super dressy, because it was a casual environment (think lots of jeans) and I'm not a morning person. Putting together an adorable outfit was just not in the cards for me--I tended to oversleep most every morning to the point where I flew out the door to the bus stop with my jewelry in my hand, putting it on while sitting on the bus that inevitably pulled up mere moments after I dashed across the street. But at least I did more or less put together outfits. And in order to keep my wardrobe fresh and updated, I did tend to get items of clothing more regularly when I was still working outside the house--not out of need, necessarily, mostly out of desire. Now I haven't really bought much since I started this job in July. I'm overdue for a new pair of jeans or two, but other than that, I can't really think of much I need. Want is a different story of course, but even that is sort of fading a bit the more I think about it. Wanting some new outfits pales when I think of other things I want, like a lovely wedding and savings for an eventual house.

Being on track to saving for a big event later this year has definitely made me reconsider certain things that I don't consider totally necessary. Do I really need to replenish my wardrobe with every new season? Certainly not. As I mentioned above, I don't usually go for trendy clothing so a lot of things I have are pretty basic: solid-colored shirts, blouses, and sweaters, boot-leg pants (which will never go out of style, and which I will never, ever trade in for skinny jeans, because a woman with a badonk should never wear skinny jeans), a few basic knee-length skirts that I can mix and match with the tops. And I'm set with shoes too. Another benefit of working from home: your shoes don't wear out as quickly. I might get a new pair of sneakers this year if my current ones wear out, but other than that, I'm good.

Knowing that we have a big, meaningful expense coming up later this year really makes me think more carefully about each "frivolous" purchase we make. Will we keep the extra cable channels or nix them? (Still up for debate.) Do we really need to order out tonight, or can we make do with what's in the fridge? (See Tuesday's entry on using up bits from the fridge.) Can I wait to see that movie 2 weeks after it comes out, so I can use some discount movie tickets I have, or even wait till it's on On Demand, so I can save some cash? Do I really need to buy that new book or album? (The Boston Public Library has been an absolute godsend in that regard; their collection is extensive and amazing and practically every single thing I've wanted has been there, down to the Arcade Fire album I really wanted but didn't want to pay for.) I know certain aspects of life would be a lot easier with a car, but can we really afford the cost of the car, cost of insurance, cost of gas, cost of maintenance, and cost of parking? (Not unless we move out of the city, which I am not willing to do.)

We're not broke or dirt-poor, but we are living in an expensive city and need to be aware of the choices we make. Not only does it save money, it's also less wasteful in the long run and keeps the sheer amount of stuff we have down to a more minimal amount. Do I really need to buy a novel I'll only read once, or buy a dozen more wedding idea books I won't need next year? Do I really need to get another fancy top for a nice evening out when we don't go on that many fancy evenings out and the tops I already have will do? Of course not. And in some ways, it's been sort of fun to get creative and find ways to do more with less.

Have you recently cut back on certain "unnecessary" expenses in your life? Are you trying to reduce how much stuff you have for other, nonbudgetary reasons? I want to know! Dish!