Top Chef season 6, episode 13

Alas! Girlfriend has gone home and the predictable sausage party triumverate has made it to the Top Chef finale.

I was sad to see Jennifer go, but I wasn't surprised, because I almost felt like from the start this has been a game of bide your time and watch Kevin and the Voltaggio brothers go to the finale. I think I was saddest because she really seemed like she had come back to do the finale feeling pumped up and refreshed, ready to bring her A game and ready to kick some boy butt. But alas. She just didn't bring it quite enough. It was a bummer that she wasn't able to grill her duck like she'd wanted to, but geez, isn't a confit good enough for you people? What can possibly be bad about cooking a duck (or any other bit of meat) in its own fat? (BACON.) And kudos to her for realizing that she had a problem with the grill and instead of letting everything go to hell she improvised with a second just as tasty solution.

But did anyone else have a moment of anxiety when they saw my pick for Top Chef, Kevin, get called out during judges' table for having tough brisket? And did anyone else chuckle to herself when she heard him call the brisket "toothsome" to cover up the fact that it wasn't as tender as he would have liked? I admire his balls, and I also admire the fact that he's willing to stand by his food, even if it isn't precisely perfect. I thought the stuff he made looked delicious anyway, despite my hatred of beets. For Kevin, I would give beets a second chance. And Bryan's goat cheese ravioli? WANT. Nom nom. Fig glazed ribs? I love figs! Yum. I just got some fig preserves, so maybe I'll jazz up something for dinner with some figgy goodness.

And check out that baby bump on Padma! Way to go, lady. She got knocked up by one of the producers, apparently. I'm not sure how I feel about her bangs though. 

We're almost at the end. And I have to admit that I'm somewhat grateful because I really feel like Bravo dragged this season on interminably. Here's hoping they don't pull some other nonsense, like splitting up the finale YET AGAIN over two more weeks, or something ridiculous. Though at this point I wouldn't put it past them.

Girlfriend, I salute you.

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #14! (But you're still a winner to me!)

Top Chef, season 6, episode 12

OUT THE D'OR!

I didn't make that up (and I'm not going to admit whether or not I wish I had). It was on the Bravo website this morning.

Oh Eli. Winner of the Quickfire. Loser of the elimination. I have to say, Bravo is clever, because they were really setting up that judges' table to make it seem like it was going to be Michael who went home (at least that's how it sounded to me), but really, overly fatty sausage IS an unforgiveable sin, in my book.

And yay for my BFF, chubby nerd Kevin! Although apparently the Voltaggio brothers don't think he deserves to be as showered with accolades as he is. ALTHOUGH I thought Bryan was far more diplomatic in expressing his feelings about Kevin than Michael. Bryan just seems like a calm, gentle soul, very thoughtful, solid, and deliberate. I felt bad that he ran out of time and was scrambling with his dish last night, because if not, he probably would have won. I'm getting tired of Michael, because he cops such a major attitude. There's something inherently haughty about him, and that bothers me, because the other cheftestants he's with right now are a pretty decent, modest bunch. I thought it was telling that Bryan pointed out that he wouldn't know if Michael would have given Kevin guidance on how to cook his lamb.

And yes, perhaps Kevin's meal was simpler than it should have been for such an intricate competition, but as the judges pointed out, it was the tastiest and most perfectly exceuted in terms of cooking, so good for Kevin.

I did like Eli, but I thought he was starting to be just slightly out of his element among the Voltaggios, Jennifer, and Kevin. Like he seemed a bit young and unformed still. Like he is getting close to blossoming to his full potential, but he's not completely there. Although the egg he made looked completely delicious and like something I'd LOVE to eat. Mmm. Eggs. Wrapped in bacon.

So here's to Eli, chubby nerd number 2: I hope you continue to do awesome things, I hope you never make a soup of apples and peanuts with popcorn crumbs again, I hope you and Robin don't cross paths again, because it won't be pretty, and I hope that you and I and your glorious Scotch egg can meet someday, because then my tummy would be very happy.

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #13

Top Chef, season 6, episode 11

Like whoa. It was about time that Robin disappear from Top Chef. Seriously! She's been on the chopping block for quite some time and although I wasn't part of the cult of hating Robin, I just didn't think she deserved to be there and she was long overdue for a departure.

But I have to say that I wasn't surprised to see Eli in the bottom three. His dish was 5 kinds of nasty. Peanuts and apples? In a chunky soup? Topped with ground popcorn? And a weird raspberry sauce foam type thing? WTF! How does ANY of that sound good by itself? How does combining any of those things, let alone ALL of them, make sense? YUCK! It honestly sounded too disgusting for words.

So even though I think that Eli's dish was, by far, the most epic fail of the three bottom-tier contestants, I think they were just tired of Robin being there and they sent her home. Yes, her dish was technically not as horrendous as Eli's, but the judges did point out that she fucked up something as simple and basic as a panna cotta--and this IS the umpteenth time she's been in the bottom three.

I just have to pause and point out here that I wouldn't know a good--or bad--panna cotta if it punched me in the face. This is because I tend to avoid all types of gelatinous desserts. I can handle something with the soft and creamy consistency of a pudding or mousse. I can handle something with the harder yet still melty and solidly creamy consistency of hard ice cream. But everything in between--mostly the custard family and the Jell-O family--I just can't handle it. It's something about the texture... it just grosses me out. It's moist and slippery, and you sort of have to chew it just the slightest bit because even though it's soft, it's still sort of... solid. Yugh. And Jell-O is just too disgusting for words. It reminds me of being sick (I had a lot of problems with my stomach as a child, and was even hospitalized for horrible stomach aches and bouts of vomiting that NO ONE, not even the doctors, could figure out). I ate a LOT of Jell-O as a child, and it was gross. That globby, wobbly texture in my mouth; the filmy skin on top; the slightly gritty last spoonful at the bottom of the dish that was sometimes there when the powder didn't dissolve all the way---UGH. All of it brings back horrible memories. So can you blame me if I'm not into custards and such? Which I know means I should be thrown against a wall and pelted with over-ripe fruit, because what good Cubanita doesn't eat flan--but I just can't handle it!

So yes... Robin deserved to go home. Because she just wasn't on the same level as the other chefs, because she didn't know how to make a proper panna cotta, and because she made a panna cotta at all.

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #12!

Top Chef, season 6, episode 10

Leeks as scallops? Really? You thought that was a good idea? On what planet does that seem like a good idea?

Oh, a vegetarian challenge! What a joy, what a delight to see the looks on everyone's faces when they realized that they were cooking a meal in a steakhouse and couldn't use any meat. It's about effing time y'all back away from the protein and get your veg on.

The TV dinner quickfire was sort of charming, mostly because I didn't grow up eating TV dinners, so to me they are a quaint, charming concept. Almost exotic. (I now think frozen meals are, as a generalization, evil, due to the inordinately terrifying amount of unpronounceable non-foodstuffs that go into them.) I think I just really like the idea of compartmentalized dishes. I have a couple of compartmentalized dishes at home from Target that I use to put snacks out for parties, and I just love them.

That Kevin. Is there a challenge he WON'T win? Are the other cheftestants sort of sick of him already? I would be, if it weren't for his thoughtful, pleasant nature and the fact that he doesn't seem to have a mean bone in that roly-poly body of his.

There was something about the Natalie Portman challenge that perplexed me though (I was recently talking about it with a friend of mine): were they ONLY allowed to use vegetables? I saw no pastas, rice, or meatless substitutes like tofu or seitan going out on dishes. Give that girl some buckwheat noodles to chaw on, for cod's sake! Maybe they just weren't readily availble in the restaurant, or maybe they weren't allowed to use them, but considering that Michael used polenta (ugh) in his dish, I don't suspect that there were any limitations on adding other non-veg elements to the dish.

(Sorry... I just can't stand polenta. It's the texture. It's grainy and creamy all at once. BLARGH. So sue me.)

Anyway. The leeks looked like a pretty bad idea to me. I'm not sure why Mike thought that he could take a leek and make it mimic a scallop, but whatever. I'm not sure why someone would WANT a leek to mimic a scallop. It got him sent home, and that's enough for me. I was NOT a Mike fan, by any stretch of the imagination (although really, maybe it was time to just get rid of Robin, because how many times has she been in the bottom now?). The weirdest part to me was when Jennifer hugged him after he was eliminated, because I sort of thought that they weren't fans of each other.

Speaking of Jennifer, my goodness, girlfriend needs to pull herself together! She is NOT doing well; the stress seems to be getting to her and it seems like she is falling apart at the seams. I hope she can pull it together, because I think she's talented and cooks good food. 

Also: as a special bonus to all the Carla lovers, HOOTIE HOO! She was, by far, my favorite cheftestant. LOVE HER.

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #11!

Top Chef, season 6, episode 9

Good grief, I go away on vacation and everything goes to hell! Well, not completely to hell, but I have been slacking on updating. In my defense my life was immensely busy when I got back to Boston from PA, and I have also been suffering from seriously congested sinuses that sapped me of my energy and will to do anything.  But a good stiff dose of Sudafed plus Afrin has helped my congestion and it's the start of the weekend, so I'm finally back in the blogging saddle.

First off, I'm behind on Top Chef! Blargh! I missed the episode that was on this Wednesday because I was out with some friends, but instead of the episode being available on the On Demand Bravo channel, it is nowhere to be found. And the episode doesn't appear to be re-running on Bravo anytime this weekend. WTF people? Isn't the point of On Demand that things appear after they air on TV so you can then watch them and get caught up? The latest episode isn't even available on Hulu or Fancast. OMG! I'm so annoyed! I won't even let myself go on the Bravo site because I don't want to ruin watching the next episode. (Which means there won't be a picture of Laurine on this post.)

So... RESTAURANT WARS! Quite possibly the best episode of Top Chef. I was excited for it last week. And when I saw Laurine, Kevin, Jennifer, and Mike on a team together, I thought, well this is going to be pretty good! I know the Voltaggio brothers are awesome, but Eli and Robin aren't necessarily the strongest, and so I really did think that the other team would do better. I was so sadly let down. The team just didn't do well. Some of their food was uninspiring (asparagus? REALLY?), and some of it just wasn't well prepared. Laurine just fell apart. She did a poor job running the front of the house. She didn't even bother to explain her team's dishes to the judges! FAIL.  And no dessert? DOUBLE FAIL.

Meanwhile, the other team had some rough spots (I understand why they named their restaurant REVOLT, after Robin, Eli, and Voltaggio brothers, but WHO wants to associate that word with food? NO ONE, that's who), but in the end, they did so well. Michael was a dick to Robin over the dessert she was preparing, but then it ended up being one of the best dishes served that night. So I thought they deserved the win for sure. And I really did think Laurine deserved to go home. She admitted in the episode that she wasn't excited about doing the front of the house, so why didn't she speak up and say she shouldn't do it? Mike Isabella, as much of a DB as he might be, would have been much better, because he can turn up the charm when he needs to. Laurine just did not do well as the one running the front of the house, and she took out pieces of lamb that were nearly raw. No good! And while she seems like a lovely person, she just wasn't a "wow" cheftestant to me.

The Quickfire challenge was pretty interesting, like playing whisper down the lane with food. I wonder if I'd be able to do something like that---might be sort of fun to do with friends! Trying to figure out what someone is thinking in terms of food. 

Now I have to wait and stalk On Demand and Bravo until they replay the next episode so I can write about that one, but in the meantime I'll try to keep everyone entertained. And tomorrow morning: Jose Andres's olive oil pancakes (WITH MAPLE CREAM) and bran muffins. Hurrah!

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #10!

Top Chef, season 6, episode 8

Oh, coming back from vacation is a hard and painful thing to do. Especially when you didn't have any cable over your vacation and you've only just caught up with your shows.

How delighted was I, lover of all things pork, to see that the latest episode of Top Chef featured a challenge at an event called PIGS AND PINOT. OMG! Pork! Wine! Perfection! Charlie Palmer might be my new food hero. (Don't worry Mark and Jose, I still hold you both closely to my little heart.) Can I just mention how MUCH I want to go to this event next year? (It's in March, time to get out the travel planner!)

I don't actually drink red wine, regrettably, because I get terrible headaches from it (as does my mother). I've had these terrible headaches anytime I've been given medicines with sulfates in them, and the sulfites in red wine are what does me in. It's a shame, because I'd really like to be able to enjoy red wine, but I just don't want to have to pay for it with a borderline migraine later. Alas!

I LOVE KEVIN. I love that he loves pork, I love that he has a pig tattoo, I love that he is so calm and level-headed, and I love that he is so thoughtful about everything he does. Oh, chubby nerd, I love you. (Don't worry, Jeremy, you're the only one for me at the end of the day!)

But it hurt my heart to see Ash do what he did to that tenderloin. Oh, Ash. I adore pork tenderloin. ADORE IT. My mother makes a pork tenderloin every year for Christmas Eve dinner, and I have to say that what she does to it is nothing short of a celebration of the pork. It's so simple: she marinates it in mojo, a Cuban gravy (this warrants its own future entry, trust me), which is olive oil, garlic, lemon, and citrus. So simple, so easy. SO scrumptious. It marinates overnight and roasts in a special roaster bag for hours and hours. It is a heavenly, soft, melty party in your mouth. But Ash's cold little slices of tenderloin just didn't look yummy. Don't be chillin' that shit! Serve it warm! Serve it with some scrumptious, light sauce and some fantastic side dishes (black beans and rice!) and let the fiesta start.

I was sad to see Ash go because he's a nice gent, but I wasn't surprised. He just hasn't been doing well at all. He's been in the bottom a lot, he second-guesses himself, and he also seems to defer to other chefs as being more talented than him. It's one thing to admit that you are among strong and talented competition, but you need a level of self-confidence and "I'm all that" to be on this show. For as much as I hate Mike Isabella, he has the right attitude toward this show: I'm awesome and I'm going to win. You need to have this attitude if you're really going to go far and win. That said, I REALLY hope he doesn't win.

And the next episode: RESTAURANT WARS! Sorry, I'm using too many capitals in this entry, but I'm really excited. This is the best episode of Top Chef!

Also... Toby Young compared wine to armpits. Only Toby Young compares wine to armpits.

CHEFTESTANT FAIL # 9!

Top Chef, season 6, episode 7

Okay, seriously? Seriously. WTF was Padma wearing last night?

I know, I know, I'm supposed to be discussing Top Chef and talking about the food and the cooking and not acting like this is an episode of Project Runway, but seriously. Indulge me for a minute and let me talk about this. Holy bicycling Christ, did she look horrendous. She was wearing this sort of billowy sleeveless green top, which was fine---but then her skintight pants were exactly the same color.

I ask you: WTF? How was this outfit okay? How did the producers of the show allow her to appear looking like this?

Although Padma has been having quite a few fashion fails lately; remember her dress at the Emmys? The one that looked like entrails were gushing out of one side of her torso?











Ugh! Anyway, I'm going on a tangent and I should stick to talking about the food, but it's just too irresistably fun to bash someone for their freakish sense of style. Not to mention there is something about Padma that seems... not quite right. Maybe it's because she speaks in a monotone and always has exactly the same facial expression? Is she heavily medicated? Is she really an alien?

So! My love, chubby nerd Kevin, won the Quickfire challenge and took the money, which I thought was a smart decision and which I certainly would have done as well. Can he do no wrong? Apparently, no. The fact that he and Jennifer won the Elimination Challenge made me happy as well, because I think they are my two favorites.  At last I'm warming up to Jennifer. Yes, she's a rather brash individual, and a tough cookie, but maybe that harsh exterior of "don't fuck with me because I will cut you" is endearing rather than off-putting to me. I think the final clincher was when I saw her get teary-eyed saying goodbye to Ashley. Then I was like, oh, you have a heart, you feel emotion, I like you.

And speaking of Ashley, I thought her dish (made with Eli) just looked utterly repulsive. There was not one thing about that dish that I wanted to have anything to do with. Probably because beets repulse me. They are the one food I simply cannot get into; they just gross me out. The beet cream, combined with the over-salted gnocchi and the undercooked prawns.... well, it was just a mess. I didn't get how any of it was supposed to work together, even if it had been perfectly executed. How do prawns, gnocchi, and beets in any way, shape, or form suggest being put together in that way?

And I hate Mike. I hate him and he just needs to go home. Granted, Robin is super annoying and has logorrhea, but that's no reason to be a dick to her, because despite her faults, she is nice. He was totally mean to her during the team challenge, taking over even though he had no Asian cooking experience and she had tons, he wouldn't let her do any tasks except menial ones, and he was completely condescending when Tom came around to check in and he treated it as if it were all his challenge, not one he was sharing with a partner. DICK. He needs to go home, pronto. Let's hope that happens soon. As in next episode.

Ah well, Ashley, we bid you adieu. Interesting, Jeremy knows someone who knows someone who looks just like Ashley. But this person is a he, and apparently he has lately been getting approached all the time and asked if he has ever watched the show Top Chef. Awesome! I salute you, gender-neutral contestant!

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #8!

News that isn't really news

For some reason, there was NO Top Chef on last night. Boo! I guess we'll have to wait in suspense another week. Blargh. 

A few mornings ago, while sleepily having coffee and oatmeal in front of CNN and trying to wake up enough to get myself on the bus to work, I caught a factoid that interested me (and also didn't surprise me). CNN had taken some poll where they asked Americans how they were faring with the rotten economy. Over half of the respondents had said that the one luxury they didn't want to give up on was going out to eat.

Like I mentioned, I find this interesting and also not surprising, because I feel the same way. I haven't felt the economic meltdown quite so badly, and I'm still getting by, but I do feel the pressure to remain careful about my finances (though this has been ingrained in me since I was a tot by my frugal parents). I'm trying not to make frivolous purchases: I haven't bought loads of new clothes with the changing of the seasons, I've kept personal product purchases (a weakness of mine) at a minimum, and instead of buying books, I go to the library (well, except for cookbooks). But the one thing I haven't really cut back on is food, both in terms of groceries and restaurants.

What is it about eating out and eating well that is so hard for people to give up? Is it the luxury of having one's food prepared? Trying new things? Is it laziness? Or is it the social aspect? Something leads me to believe that this last one might have a lot to do with it. Eating is such a social experience. Getting together with others to share a meal is one of life's finest pleasures, at least that's how it seems to me. I'd gladly give up going to the movies, getting new books and clothes, and taking luxurious trips if it meant being able to have that many more meals out with friends. I'm sure that many more people are now cooking at home too, because of the economy, but I think the fact that people continue going out to eat regularly proves that it's too important of a social experience for us to give up on entirely. Perhaps it stems from the fact that eating is one activity all people must do and that almost all people enjoy, so it's the one thing that each of us has in common with all of our friends.

Top Chef, season 6, episode 6

Oh no... deconstruction.

Playing with your food. Turning food into art. And all that. 

But is there anything more pretentious and snobby and sort of inherently ridiculous than deconstructing food?

I know this is a trend that people seem to cream their pants over, but I just don't see what's so great about it. Yes, it looks interesting, and it is a challenge to do it well, and sometimes it can be fun, but seriously? I'd rather just have a cohesive, traditional dish done well that is cook properly and tastes great. I guess that's because I'm not a crazy foodie or chef. Maybe what really bothered me about the challenge was some of the foods they chose to deconstruct. I mean, paella? How do you deconstruct a dish that sort of already IS deconstructed? Paella is rice with vegetables and proteins and while they are mixed together, they aren't really blended. They are already separate elements that are placed side by side. Trust me on this---I've eaten a LOT of paella dishes in my life! And fish and chips also boggled my mind because there are three elements to it: fish, batter, and potatoes. Yikes. How do you deconstruct that?

And backing up to the quickfire and Eli's comment about Robin---I don't want to make light of anyone's struggle with cancer, and I find the fact that Robin overcame cancer empowering. But I also wasn't quite sure why she had to bring it up in this challenge. It was about good versus evil, not about overcoming personal struggles or personal battles. You can read a Q&A blog with Eli here to learn about why he said what he did. All struggles with cancer aside, Robin's dish seemed a little lame and I'm not sure it should have won the challenge.

I did think it was sweet that all the chefs (except Robin) wore red scarves as neckerchiefs in honor of Matin. Apparently the Frenchie lives on! And judging by the Quickfire, looks like scallops are back. Are scallops the new ceviche?

Do I think Kevin should have won the Elimination Challenge? Well, based on the fact that I'm not into deconstruction, I certainly think he executed an incredibly complicated dish very well. Mole has dozens of ingredients and the recipes often vary by region, so the fact that he was able to lay out something so complex on such a simple plate that everyone seemed to enjoy made him pretty deserving, in my eyes. I was sad to see Ron go, because he was a jolly guy, but his paella really was atrocious. And seriously, fuck Toby Young. What authority does he have to judge food AND be such a dick about it? I think he's just bitter because his tenure at Vanity Fair was such a spectacular failure and that he's such a magnificent twat. I was SO thrilled when Michelle told him off for his obnoxious comment about why was everyone pronouncing it pa-EY-yah instead of pah-EL-lah. Good for her.

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #7!

Top Chef, season 6, episode 5

Ceviche is the new scallop.

Seriously. What is WITH all the chefs this season obsessing over ceviche? How many ceviches have we seen already this season? We're only on episode 5, and I feel like I've already seen about 89 ceviches. Some of them mispronounced. I almost yearn to see an over-abundance of scallops a la season 5 instead.

Making a trio of ceviches at an outdoor ranch for a bunch of cowboys just doesn't seem like a good idea, no matter what country you're from, so I have no idea why Matin thought it would be a good idea to make ceviche outdoors on a hundred-degree day in a dusty place with outdoor firepits for people who are used to eating slabs of meat. Really? Raw fish in citrus is a good idea in this scenario? No. Just no. Take advantage of those grills and make some steak, hoss!

I loved Eli's reaction to the knowledge that they had to camp overnight at the ranch. I feel EXACTLY the way he does--we've got electricity for a reason! No one should want to sleep in a tent on th ground when they can sleep in a comfy bed. I know people will disagree with me and say oh, camping, the joys of nature, appreciation of the great outdoors, hiking, blah blah, to which I say: I can appreciate all that stuff and then go home at the end of the day and go to sleep in a BED!

And cactus. I have to say I have never eaten cactus, although it's an element of Mexican (and maybe some other Latino) cooking. Many times while perusing the Goya/Latino aisle of the supermarket, I see jars of nopalitos cactus but I never buy them. I have no idea what I'd eat them with or what they taste like. Maybe I should find a recipe and try it out? Or maybe I should just wait to go to a restaurant and have them there. I don't particularly like things with a slimy texture, in terms of eating or preparing, so I'm not so sure how I'd feel about cooking or consuming these things. We'll see. Maybe if I feel adventurous one of these days. (On a ridiculous side note: I had a bunny rabbit named Sassy when I was 13 and my father once gave her a chunk of cactus that had fallen off one of his plants. He trimmed off the spines and put the thing in her cage--it was as big as she was. She didn't seem particularly interested. I remember her grabbing it in her teeth and trying to fling the thing across her cage. Poor bunny. My father treated her like an eating experiment: what will the bunny eat next? Maybe her not being into the cactus was a sign that I should avoid it too. I digress!)

So yes. Matin went home for his raw ceviche, and I definitely thought he deserved to (though Robin's nasty prawns were a pretty strong contender for horrific meal of the deal). He already did rather poorly last week with his overly bacony sauce, which was an embarassment because it was a French cooking challenge and he's French. And he hadn't been doing so well throughout the whole thing--he was never a standout chef, he just sort of coasted through--so while I'll miss his charming accent and natty red neckerchief, I think he'll fade from memory pretty quickly. Not like Hector... I miss that guy!

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #6!

Top Chef, Season 6, episode 4

TWO cheftestants gone in ONE episode? Mon dieu! Figures that they were two folks I actually liked. Mind you, I didn't think either one of them would make it to the finals (my money's on Kevin--go, chubby nerds!), but I was still sad to see them go, especially Hector. I liked seeing SOMEONE out there representing mi gente, ju know?

The episode was all about French food, a cuisine I actually don't know very much about, other than it includes lots of delicious butter. And wine of all kinds. Num. Any cuisine that likes that much butter and wine is okay by me. I thought that the challenge of pairing a sauce-making contestant with an entree-making contestant was a clever way to pair off the chefs.

But let's back up a second: eliminating someone after a quickfire challenge? Craaa-zy! They haven't done that before, and I'm not sure how I feel about the tactic. Although I guess if you can't make a stellar dish in such a brief period of time, maybe you shouldn't be there. And Jesse had been on the bottom of nearly every challenge since the series began, so maybe it was time for her to go. She seemed like her heart wasn't really into it. I did like her, though, especially because she seemed to like using eggs, even though every time Jeremy saw her he said, "Take that fucking shit out of your face!"

And let's talk about the fact that THE FRENCHMAN was in the bottom! Oh my lordy, you are FRENCH. You grew up eating and making this stuff. And you fucked up a challenge cooking FRENCH FOOD. Because of too much BACON! Now I am usually of the opinion that there is no such thing as too much bacon, but clearly the pros disagreed with me. But then again, I don't really know very much about French food, regrettably, other than the butter and wine thing. And also eating creatures like frogs and snails. (Although I think things in shells are generally pretty yummy.)

But Matin was spared, and instead Hector went home, for his poorly cooked meat. Poor boricua couldn't get a break. First the judges harshed on his realm because they had no idea that Latinos fry everything, including steaks. And now they're like, boo, you can't cook a steak. Alas. I do admire the fact that he's representing by wearing a guayabera in his exit photo. But seriously---Top Chef needs some more diversity. Now it's just a bunch of white folks, who all slightly resemble each other, and one large, jovial Haitian man. Why aren't there more Latinos? Why are there hardly ever Asians on this show? WTF?

And seriously, WTF are ramps? Ramps? Why was everyone making food with ramps? Aren't those the things that people use to roll wheeled things up and down into buildings and buses? What do ramps have to do with food? Ramps are, apparently, a wild onion, like a stronger-flavored leek.  Thank you, Top Chef, for teaching me new things! (Or at least for forcing me to go on the interwebs to learn new things.)

Hector, I salute you! Never doubt yourself in the future when you deep-fry a steak! Never!

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #4! Y NUMERO CINCO!

Top Chef, Season 6, episode 3

Pasta salad?

Really?

Pasta salad.

You're in a cooking competition called TOP CHEF and you make PASTA SALAD??

"Hello, my name is pasta salad, and I'm completely uninspired, and uninspiring, and usually made by mere mortals with more dexterity and grace than the one executed on last night's show."




O.M.G!

So the challenge yesterday was to make a meal to feed 300 people using the rather paltry pantry and minimal equipment at a military base hangar thingy kitchen. And the fact that Preeti and Laurine thought they could just throw together a pasta salad of disparate elements is just odd. Odd! I know they didn't have that much to work with, and I know they wanted to make a vegetarian dish, but honestly, pasta salad? How much more mediocre-recipe-out-of-Ladies Home Journal could you get? Maybe Preeti being eliminated was the universe's way of getting back at her for blanching her asparagus in Ashley's boiling gnocchi water. At least Laurine had the good sense to admit that she knew it wasn't a good dish and that it sucked. I thought it was lame that Preeti tried to bring up the fact that it was inappropriate to serve clam chowder on a hot summer day. Maybe so, lady, but at least the chowder was GOOD. Your dish was BAD.

I like that the two top dishes going against each other were pork-based though. And I thought Hector and Robin's dish of chili looked delicious! (God, I love me some beans.) I hope Hector goes far. I think he is charming and I love that there's a Latin element cooked by (gasp!) a real Latino. I also love Kevin and Eli, the two chubby nerds. I love me some nerds!

At least Jennifer didn't have an occasion to mispronounce the word "ceviche" on this episode. That was a pleasant element. Everything else about her is not pleasant. Except her attitide to kick Mike's misogynistic ass. That I like.

 

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #3! 

(Trow your hands in the air, wave 'em like you don't care... or have a clue.)

Top Chef, season 6, episode 2

Gosh, I'm so behind on this thing! A lot has been going on lately (not all of it good)---and a lot of cooking, which has been good.

First off: Top Chef. Squeaking in here barely under the wire. So the second episode--it wasn't too hard to predict that stupid Eve would get kicked off. She barely survived the first cut as it was. Honestly, that woman was just so incredibly bland that I'm glad she was the second to go. I don't think she had anything interesting to say or do. Sometimes I wonder how these people get on the show, because this season has a really strong cast. Do they purposely pick one or two morons or unextraordinary people just so they have an easy time of it during the first couple of cuts?

(And PS, Eve's restaurant is called.... Eve. Seriously?) 

I was sad to see Jesse do so poorly again because I really like her, but right now I am just doubting that she'll last pretty long.

Also, it REALLY irritates the shit out of me that Jennifer pronounces the word ceviche as "say-VEECH." Bitch, it's "say-VEE-chay"! Say it right or stop making it!

And I just have to say that while I am sympathetic with Ashley's points about gay marriage (let gays get married, I say!), I thought it was odd that she kept bringing up the fact that she was angry that the challenge was to cook for a heterosexual couple's bachelor/bachelorette party. I think she needed to just remove the theme of the event from the forefront of her mind and just focus on the food. Honestly, there's no reason to get pissed for Top Chef choosing something traditional as a challenge theme. How many chefs and caterers will have customers and clients in that very same situation, and will these customers/clients be refused service because of their situation? That's unprofessional. I just think that political and personal beliefs should have been kept out of the challenge (and this show as a whole--it's focused on food, not life issues). There's a time and place for them, and it's not on Top Chef.

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #2! (and holy shit, that's a LOT of make-up she has on! Compare her face to her neck! And arms!)

Top Chef, Season 6, episode 1

Last night was the premiere of this season's Top Chef. I have to confess that I really enjoy that show.

Jennifer was the first contestant eliminated--she made this truly dreadful looking chile relleno with seitan. Now I'm all for meat substitutes when appropriate, and yes it was ballsy that she chose that instead of a traditional protein, but girl's dish looked NASTY. Sometimes it's not good to take a risk THAT early on. Though Eve's shrimp and scallops looked pretty bad. They looked like they were the consistency of rubber. And poor Hector, trying to fry his steak and everyone looking at him like WTF. Maybe the judges just don't understand that we Latinos like to fry things--EVERYTHING. Meat included. ALL meat included. Although I suppose that since we do traditionally tend to fry pork products more so than beef steak, it was a little unconventional to do it.

The winning dish by Kevin (a slow-poached Arctic char) looked really good. And I also thought Jesse's chicken dish looked yummy (even though the judges complained that the breast was dry) because I love that she included a fried egg with it. I love eggs... maybe too much for my own good. And Laurine's bacon donuts with chocolate and beer sauces? Yum. I think my arteries just clogged a little.

Should be an interesting season. Don't know who my favorite is just yet, as the first show is always kind of a clusterfuck of too many people, but as weeks progress I'll find someone to root for. I definitely don't like Michael as he has already made more than one misogynistic comment and I am just PRAYING that he gets his ass kicked by all the talented women on this show in upcoming weeks. I'm just glad that Jennifer was booted when she was. I couldn't stand looking at those huge gauges in her ears... they grossed me out.

CHEFTESTANT FAIL #1!